The following is a guest blog by Hilary Cole, of Hilary Coles Pediatric Sleep Consulting: www.hilarysleep.com/
If you have a school-aged child who struggles to fall asleep alone or sleep through the night, you probably feel like you’ll never have another quiet evening or full night’s sleep again.
‘Big-kid’ sleep issues – fear of the dark, nightmares and anxiety around sleeping alone – are part of a normal phase for many kids; as their imaginations develop, so can their ability to imagine what might be lurking under their beds. And as they become exposed to the larger world, a whole host of fears can come up when the lights go out. (I recently went through a nightly ritual of reassuring my 6-year-old that Russia wasn’t going to attack Canada too.)
But like any other phase in their development, how we respond determines whether it becomes a habit or an opportunity for growth. Now, if I hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in 6 months (or 8 years), I’d be rolling my eyes after reading that last line too. Bear with me and I’ll give you some simple, tangible tricks to try.
Step one: Normalize the fear, for yourself and your child.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, child psychologist, and author of “Good Inside”, says that when big feelings come up for our kids, the feeling itself can scare them, not just the event or thought that triggered the feeling. When we respond by freaking out to their freaking out, the impression they get is that their emotions are so scary, it even scares the big person in their life.
Understanding that our kids’ bedtime worries are normal and expected can help us stay calm. Reassuring them that their feelings are simply okay to feel can go a long way to lowering the intensity.
Step two: Listen.
My own parenting knee-jerk reaction is to distract my child away from talking about the bad guys who might break into our house while we’re all sleeping. Or to convince her that that’s not going to happen because we have locks on the doors and live in a quiet, rural town. But according to Dr. Dan Siegel, author of several parenting go-to-books including “The Whole Brain Child”, it’s actually better to bring those scary thoughts into the light.
Ask your child questions about what scares them and simply listen as they talk, nodding and um-hmm-ing along without trying to talk them out of their fears. Dr. Siegel says this helps them integrate the rational part of the brain with the fight-or-flight part that is fired up and taking over. To take it a step further, empathize (and again, normalize) with a simple-but-powerful “Me too, I feel like that sometimes.”
Step 3: Try something new.
You can introduce this at bedtime with, “Let’s try something new.” :)
Hold up as many fingers as their age and ask them to ‘blow out their birthday candles.’ Make sure they know that it only works if they take a big breath and blow out really slowly. Comment on how calm they seem to help them realize they have that power within them, all the time.
Here’s another trick: Ask your child to describe what the ‘bad guy’ / monster looks like. Get them to close their eyes and really picture him in detail, maybe describing him (or her) out loud. Then ask your child to paint a purple moustache on the bad guy. Next, stick a big, red foamy clown nose on him. Then maybe a ballerina’s tutu…. You see where this is going. You’ll probably both be giggling your heads off at this point, and laughter has a great calming effect.
In short, we normalize, listen, empathize, and empower. Sounds simple, and in a way it is, but it’s also important to remember that these tips aren’t light switches that can instantly turn off our kids’ bedtime struggles. They are part of a process of helping our kids understand their emotions and gain the confidence to manage them on their own.
When I work with families struggling with nighttime anxiety, it’s often a 6-week process of weaning away the parent’s direct involvement in their child’s sleep while using these and other strategies. But with understanding, patience and a little persistence, every child, no matter how long they’ve been dependent on you, can transform into a confident, independent sleeper.
If Hilary can help you with your big kid's sleep, please reach out to her at www.hilarysleep.com
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